This is a special day, Duchess Kate. Enjoy it, for it is the last birthday you shall ever have.
Indeed, now that you are With Royal Child, your needs and identity will be completely subsumed by that of your offspring, and you will forevermore be known only as The Vessel from whence sprang the future ruler of the realm. You shall have no birthdays, no anniversaries, no wants, no desires, no fondness for reading John Grisham books on the beach when you’re on vacation or predilection for sparkly pedicures. You will be no more and no less than the mother of the future King. (Or Queen, but let’s hope King.)
As such, on this your final birthday as a fully formed independent human woman, here are some things you should know about your future progeny.
- Since any blood prince or princess outranks you in the Royal Order of Precedence, you must always curtsy to the baby before breastfeeding. Unless William is around, in which case an informal handshake will do.
- The royal baby does not “spit up,” “make poopys,” “have uh-ohs,” or any other lapses in judgment displayed by commoner babies. To suggest otherwise will not be tolerated.
- Any misbehavior on the child’s part will be blamed on your commoner lineage.
- The royal child shall consume only breast milk, organic handmade baby food, and natural spring water. Feeding the child Fritos because he/she is screaming and you just need a break, dammit, will be deemed a failure on your part.
- The royal baby stylist shall be Tom Ford. Please advise him that only natural, dye-free fabrics may touch the skin of the future monarch. But all babywear should also be cute. And stain-resistant. And flame-retardant. And budget-friendly, as the baby will be outfitted at the expense of the taxpayers.
- After the birth of the child, you shall have no less than six but no more than twelve weeks to relax and recover, after which time you will be required to engage in daily workouts to “keep it tight.”
- Prince Harry, while a wonderful man in his own way, shall not be permitted to be alone with the royal baby, as he is a Bad Influence.
- You must accept and implement child-rearing advice from any and all members of the royal family, no matter how contradictory, abusive, retrograde, or unscientific it may be. Anytime someone says, “Diana wouldn’t have done it that way,” you must smile and agree.
- If the royal child is a female, she will not be permitted to wear baby bangs, tutus, tiaras, or those headbands with big bows on them. If the child is a male, he shall be forbidden from wearing ironic onesies.
- The royal child will not be permitted to go through any “terrible” phrases, such as “terrible twos” or “terrible teens.” Do what you have to do.
- While the royal child’s name is your prerogative, it must not end in neither an “i” nor a “-den.” Examples of forbidden monikers include Misti, Brandi, Ricki, Brayden, Jayden, Greyden, etc.
- A nanny will surreptitiously take a cheek swab of your baby’s genetic material to perform a secret DNA test. We’re sure you understand.