The Sexiest Valentine’s Day Greetings You’ll Ever Hear

Tuesday, February 12th by

"I've signed on for another 435 seasons of Mad Men. They're gonna need lots of women to play my mistresses...are you free?" Love, Jon Hamm

"Hey girl, I'll totally run out and grab dinner for us. You're already in your sweatpants, so I'd hate for you to have to change." Love, Ryan Gosling

"I think that from now on, I'm just going to play without a shirt. What do you think?" Love, David Beckham

"You know how you always say I should talk less? I agree. Only silent movies for me from now on!" Love, Channing Tatum

"Let's just watch New Girl tonight. I'm in the mood to laugh." Love, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

"We both wanted to wish you a happy Valentine's Day, so we came together. We really respect your busy schedule and wanted to save you some time." Love, George Clooney and Ben Affleck

"Every time I think about you I just want to sing. Want to go karaoke this weekend? Bring your friends!" Love, Robert Downey Jr.

"You look marvelous in that outfit. Your ability to Make It Work is truly inspirational." Love, Tim Gunn

Women don’t want flowers and jewelry and chocolates for Valentine’s Day. We don’t want to be showered with meaningless trinkets and sweets in order to sway our affections.

Well, we do want that. Lots and lots of that, actually.

But we also want respect. And admiration. And someone to take the trash out without grumbling about it. And more movies with Robert Downey Jr. And a fat-free ice cream that actually tastes good. And the chance to sit down and watch The Bachelorette without having to take a lot of crap for it. Is that so much to ask?

Mostly respect, though, and these sweet nothings, delivered by our favorite XY-chromosomes.

Allison Ford is a writer and editor whose work has appeared on The Gloss, EcoSalon, DivineCaroline, and other websites and magazines. She knows all there is to know about beauty, style, pop culture, reality TV, and sparkly accessories. Her physical home is San Francisco; her online home is allisonford.com.